FSF: What Tiger Really Meant

Today, Friday February 19th and 11am EST, was a day that will live in infamy. 

That's right, Tiger woods held a 13 and 1/2 minute conference in which he spoke the whole time and answered no questions. He said many things and sounded genuinely sorry, but what did he really mean by the things he said. We at 18-1 have the answers after the break.

"Many people in this room are my friends, many people in this room have worked with me"

I've porked most of the people in this room, both men and women as I am not one to discriminate. 

"Now every one of you has a reason to be critical of me."

Now every one of you has a reason to be critical of me. You all know how garbage I am in the sack.

"I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in."

I just don't give a fuck

"I know people want to find out how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children."

Once again, I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK. My wife's hot but let's be honest, there hotter out there for me.

"Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all those families a special apology."

Listen kids, I'm rich, famous, get all the women I want, and get away with anything. If you don't want to grow up to be like me then you have something seriously wrong with you.

"My real apology to Elin will not come in the form of words. it will come in my behavior."

Imma hit that bitch back. No one ruins my own golf clubs on my own car window... and my face.

"I have made you question who I am."

I know I look like I'm straight but the truth is I love the man meat too. It's all good in Tiger's hood.

"Elin never hit me that night or any other night. It angers me that people would say that."

Somebody please help! She's going to KILL ME.

"I convinced myself that normal rules didnt apply."

I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply, but herpes effects everyone, even Gods.

"I felt i was entitled."

I'm better than all of you.

"Please leave my wife and kids alone."

My wife and kids aren't interesting enough to be followed by the paparazzi. You're wasting your time!

"I ask you one day to please believe in me again."

I'm gonna do it again and theres NOTHING you can do about it! Muaahahahaha.

To sum this all up I'm going to quote Snoop Doggy Dogg/Dr. Dre on Tiger's behalf.

Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks
Lick on these nuts and suck the dick
Get the fuck out after you're done
And I hops in my ride to make a quick run...