Philip-normal Activity

Like many others last weekend, I saw paranormal activity. Unlike most people however, I thought it was boring and not scary. While I was watching the movie I thought how the movie could be better, and that's when it hit me; the boyfriend in the movie is just like our good friend Phillip Rivers. Then I thought, what if the character was Phillip Rivers; this is what was written after that thought.


Night 1

Girl: Honey are you coming to bed?

*Door busts open*

Phillip Rivers: YA BETTA' ASK SOMEBODYYY!!

*Goes and puts camera on burrow*

Phillip Rivers: Got this bitchin' new camara so I can go back and watch myself be sexy when I have to lay down the poontang on your ugly ass

Girlfreind: Tee-hee, oh funny you're so funny

Phillip Rivers: BITCH! SEX! NOW!


Later that night..

*Weird sounds start happening, door slams*

Phillip Rivers: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!

Girlfreind: Oh god it's a ghost!

Phillip Rivers: Bitch shut the fuck up! There's no such thing as ghosts, only magic pigeons!

*Gets out of bed*

Phillip Rivers: Hey Fucktards down there! You better get the fuck out right now before I go get Merriman over here to rape your asses!

*Bedroom door slams*

Phillip Rivers: FUCK YOU GHOST!

Girlfreind: I thought there was no such thing as ghosts?!

Phillip Rivers: Bitch shut the fuck up and go to sleep! I have to wake up tommorrow and make sure that LT hasn't broken every bone in his body yet


Psychic shows up the next day...


Psychic: I'm afraid you have a demon on your hands

Girlfreind: Oh no! A demon! It's just like before!

Phillip Rivers: Bitch you had a fucking demon following you around and you didn't tell me about it?!

Girlfreind: Well I didn't think it would be a big deal!

Phillip Rivers: FUCK THIS SHIT!

*Punches the girlfreind, kicks the psychic in the balls and walks out the door*


EPILOGUE


At a home in Lake Forest, IL


*Doorbell rings*

Jay Cutler: Hold on a minute, just checking my blood sugar levels

*Opens door*

Jay Cutler: Hello?

*Gets punched in the face and falls to the ground*

Phillip Rivers: Fuck you Cutlerfucker! You diabetic fuck! Think you can sick chubby chicks who are possessed by demons on me?! ME!? PHILLIP RIVERS?!!!!!!! Well you thought wrong you stupid piece of shit!

*takes bite out of chocolate chip cookie and throws it on Cutlers downed face*

Phillip Rivers: You think you can get away from me just because you move to the fucking midwest?! Well you thought wrong you downsbaby!

*Lights torch and lites the house on fire*

Phillip Rivers: Time to blow this Popsicle stand!