Off Topic Tuesday: Why Hotpockets are an Abomination

There are not many foods that could be called much more than poor tasting or hard to eat, however there is one which goes above the call to become something much more sinister. The ever innocent Hot Pocket is actually the cause of much suffering in the world that we live in today, as it can claim the title of the worst food item of all time. You may be wondering how I can justify such strong claims against such a popular snack, which is alledgedly loved by many. There are too many reasons for me to go through in this article, but I will cover the basics. Hit the jump to understand the evils of the hotpocket.

Do not let it's crispy, seemingly delicious appearance deceive you, the Hotpocket is not your friend. It does not wish to satisfy your hunger in anyway, nor does it hope to grant you a pleasant experience with good taste. Instead this devilish food, will only bring you harm as you bite into it and are greeted not by deliciousness, but scalding hot cheese which will burn your taste-buds right off of your tongue. Of course you could blame this on leaving it in the microwave too long, or for not letting it cool off after cooking, but the hotpocket's wickedness is much more than simple temperature trickery. Even if you allow the snack to cool off before you eat it, the cheese will still scald your mouth.

Apart from the oral burns you will receive while consuming a hotpocket, it will taste terrible, no matter which flavor you choose, not because of terrible artificial flavoring (although they have that too), but because no matter how long you cook it the filling will never be completely cooked. Despite the bubbling hot cheese which spills out, ruins your clothes and burn you when you eat it, the actual meat (or veggie filling if you have a vagina) is frozen. How this is possible is beyond even the greatest minds on earth, as all knowledge of science would suggest that when something cold is next to another property that hot that it would take on some of it's temperature. However, the dark magics that the creators of Hotpockets cast upon their products disregard the laws of the universe.

I'm not exactly sure who created Hot Pockets, but it would come to no surprise to me if it was not the work of Satan himself, as only he could find joy in the suffering of so many. In fact, it would only make more sense, as only something so demonic could create such a horrifyingly awful creation for which to tease those who eat it with the possibility of eliminating their hunger with a delicious treat, but then turning on them and burning their mouths with hot cheese and leaving them spitting it out because of the cold tasteless filling. This monstrosity preys on the trust that others grant it and then betray them with nothing, but pain and suffering, as well as precious minutes of their life wasted from having to wait for it to finish cooking in the microwave.

I can only imagine that the only reason people continue to purchase this "food," is because they hate themselves and want to punish themselves anyway they can. Theoreticly they eat these while laying on hot coals and listening to Nickelback, as that would be the ultimate suffering that any human being could endure without having to murder themselves (not for a lack of trying). If I could remove any single food from existince, I would answer Hotpockets without hesitation, and so should you.