Hello loyal pawns, and welcome to my own personal segment of this pitiful website's attempt at making jokes and actual sports facts. Of course being a genius myself, I figured that I would come in and help these two pitiful flaks in their attempt to make any sort of respectable listing. So join me, Skip Bayless, as I present my personal list, which I thought up myself, of the best athletic bodies of the decade.
Now, I bet many of you are wondering, "Skip! Why is a devilishly handsome man such as yourself doing writing for some hack website like 18-1?!" Well the truth is my friends, that being the holiday season and all, I figured I would grace these ruffians with my genius so that maybe they will understand that real sports journalism isn't about facts or reasonable arguments; it's about egotistical opinions and making ridiculously ludicrous claims about things which you have absolutely no expertise in. Maybe these two bumbling fools will understand that the real way to succeed in this business is the ignore any realism, and instead always claim that the teams and players that are the most popular are always the best, and always right! That's why I am the star of the most powerful network on this planet, ESPN. So maybe if they're lucky the two writers of this, "blog," will earn the honor of one day cleaning the scum off of my shoe. Moving onto the list...
1. Brady Quinn:
Look at this hunk of meat, I mean sure he spent the last 3 years riding the bench and being a secondary to Derek Anderson of all people, but when you look into those big beautiful eyes of his and get lost in the stare you forget all about his mediocrity. If anything he probably has yet to reach his potential because he works so much on sculpting that amazing body of his, I mean, I'm not gay or anything, but if I was I would have my hands on those tight abs all day...theoretically of course! Hell, he even inspired me to start working out more with the inspirational words from his commercials:
"Now i'm done," changed my life
2. Brett Favre:
He isn't a strapping young lad anymore, but you gotta admit that there's something appealing about the semi-retarded 40-year old man who acts like he's 21, even though he has a daughter that age. That youthful charisma and excitement represents what football is all about, old men going through midlife crises and refusing to move on with their lives. There was a time when I was thinking to myself, maybe I should start to act like a reasonable sports journalist and give valid opinions on topics, instead of acting as if every time someone disagrees with me that they are talking about murdering my family. Then I saw Brett Favre come out of retirment for the second time, this time not coaxed by his former team moving forward with a young QB, but rather because he wanted to get back at them. That's when I decided that I was going to follow in Favre's wrangler jean wearing footsteps and dedicate the rest of my career to annoying the shit out of anyone who disagreed with me! So to you Brett Favre, you beautiful bastard, I salute!
3. Tony Romo:
Every time I see that perfect smile one thought comes into my head, what in the world was Jessica thinking, causing the cowboys to lose in their first game of the playoffs in 2007 and thus forcing Tony to dump her?!? She should have known she would never have an amazing man like Romo again! Now, he and the cowboys are going to ride their way to a Superbowl victory on the backs of gorgeous models which Tony will make sweet passionate love to throughout the off-season until he returns the next year to win his second superbowl. I know that there have been entries on this blog which have accused Tony of playing for the other team (sexually), but even if that's true I don't have a problem with it. If anything it will surely bring him and his teammates closer together, as through their gay love sessions they will build a chemistry which will lead to a new Cowboys dynasty!
4. Kurt Warner:
Like Favre, Warner is the kind of older man who, although lacking youth, makes up for it in his wisdom and experience. If anything, he has actually gotten better looking with age, as he traded in his goatee for a Favre like stubble. Kurt though isn't the only one who has gotten better looking with time, his wife has also gone from having butch grey hair to long flowing golden locks. I can only imagine the kind of sweet passionate love that these two make..or what I would do to be a part of it...I mean, um..that..um...I bet helps Kurt on gameday...yeah..next player..
5. Donovan McNabb:
Everybody knows that you can't go through life simply sticking with white-chocolate, sometimes you have to experiential with different things, especially if it means getting to be with a such a hunk as Donovan. He loves his momma, like he loves his chunky soup..mmm..chunky. Look i'm not saying i've hired gay prostitutes who look like McNabb to fulfill my sexual fantasies with him, but if I were to could you blame me? I mean just look at the guy...he's amazing. I mean sure I keep a picture of him in my wallet at all times, but that's perfectly normal for a sports journalist, it's so that I don't forget what he looks like. Yeah, and so what if I have a drawer full of his old jockstraps, that doesn't mean anything! Just because I have pleasured myself to the thought of being with this Eagle doesn't mean i'm gay or anything!! I'M SKIP BAYLESS GODDAMN IT!
NOTE: Hey Skip, if you try to sue us for this post you're just confirming what we've all long suspected, that you love Man Sausage. Just something to keep in mind.
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