Off Topic Tuesday: Why Emos Suck

To those who are familiar with some of my older works you may recognize that this edition of OTT is very similar to a piece that I wrote back in 2007. Don't worry you aren't going crazy (I wouldn't rule out a lack of proper blood circulation to the brain though, seriously you might want to get that checked out), this is actually the exact same piece that I wrote back then. Don't worry though, i'm not going to be completely lazy and just put up old work. No, because I love you jerks i'm going to add commentary to my old work (yes I can criticize myself too you know). Hit the jump to see what could be the greatest or the most mediocre OTT yet!

Did you ever see those kids in school who wear an excessive amount of black clothes and look like they haven't showered in three days? You know those kids who smell like hairspray and cigarettes? Those weirdos who never talk to anyone and wear a lot of makeup? Those are what we like to call Emosand they are tumor on the body of society.

Oh looks like I started off with a bang here, going people's hygiene. That being said I have a point, I mean it probably takes a long time to die their hair and put on all that eyeshadow so I feel like Emos don't shower that often.

Emos are the latest branch of losers to descend from the weird cult followings of death metal bands. You see it all started in the 70's and 80's, when musicians like Ozzy Osborn began to become popular, as did Death Metal, a disturbing bastardization of Rock and Roll that is known for unnecessary yelling and retarded vocalists. Well as time went on Death Metal and its followers changed. Death Metal spawned Punk Rock which brought us punks, the cousin of the emo. Well, soon enough Punk Rock spawned, Emo Music which of course brought us Emos.

Ok I was dead wrong here. First off, Metal did not spawn Punk Rock, in fact Punk's history is completely independent of anything Metal. The roots of Punk can be traced all the way back to the 60's with The Who, since their style eventually helped to lead to Punk coming into existence in the 70's. Also, Metal actually came before Punk, but that's a different story altogether. The point is here is that I clearly didn't know shit about music when I was in high school (or about proper grammar for that matter).

Anyway, what I should have said here is that Emo is actually a derivative of Grunge. That being said though, grunge bands like Nirvana never inspired teens to try to cut their wrists to "relive the pain." The same though cannot be said for shooting oneself in the head (OMG! tasteless joke about Kurt Cobain!!1)

Emos are those kind of kids who think that its "cool" to "rebel" against society because they have been treated "wrong".Usually this is because in middle school they were made fun of because they were fat, losers and acted stupid. Of course they do this by dressing up in all black clothes, wearing baggy pants with chains, dying their hair, wearing makeup and ignoring their own hygiene. However, there is one giant flaw in the emo's plan to "get back at society"; the plain and simple fact that nobody gives a flying fuck about them.

I like how here I bring up using middle school as an excuse to waste your life for years even though I pretty much did the exact same thing, although I never wore eyeliner and tried to cut myself. Instead I was just a fat kid who just wanted to sit around, play videogames and then wondered why girls didn't like him. The point is middle school sucks for everybody, so you can't use it as an excuse to waste your life (elementary school is a different story though).

This was the same kid who was telling people to work out more...yeah...

Of course the emos can't have this so they do everything in their power to get people to notice them while still being emo. By this I mean when you see those emo kids hanging out at the gas station smoking cigarettes and doing crappy tricks on their skateboards or hanging out in public places as a group. Ironically, however, when you approach the emos to find an explanation for their obscure behavior they attempt to taunt you with pathetic insults, then just walk away while blaring Fall Out Boy and Linkin Park from their ipods.

I don't know why I classified Fall Out Boy as being emo, in fact alot of their earlier music is actually really good. I mean sure they might be classified as emo, but I have never heard any songs by them about how life sucks and why your parents don't love you or whatever Emo songs are about. Also, I love Linkin Park, yeah I know they can be pretty mediocre (especially their newer stuff) and sound just like a bunch of computer sounds, but I grew up with them and Hybrid Theory was the first album I ever really loved. So yeah, I guess what i'm saying is that everybody gets 1 mediocre/shitty band to like (except Nickelback).

As hilarious as it is, Emos often blame all their problems on their teachers, their parents and "the kids at school", when the only problem that emos have is that they refuse to acknowledge their own faults. They act as if all of the world is out to get them when in reality nobody really gives two shits about them. Emos also attempt to "get back" at everyone by cutting themselves and smoking cigarettes. Yeah that's gonna show me, by putting yourself through unnecessary pain and slowly poisoning yourself, you're going to teach me about how I "wronged you"

I have no problem with the points I'm making in this paragraph, but my god the grammar is awful. Seriously did I even know how to use commas back then? Honestly, probably not.

If someone you know is an emo there is hope yet for them. The best way to deal with an emo is through a strict process...
Step 1: Smack them across the face and tell them to get over themselves


Step 2: Take away all of their emo music and replace it with some AC/DC


Step 3: Replace their crappy clothes with regular clothes


Step 4: Force them to go to social events


Step 5: Force them to play a sport or work out

Once again hypocrisy. If I remember correctly, around the time I wrote this article I was just starting to go to the gym and get into shape, but I still had no place in telling people to go workout or play sports since given my stature at the time. Still though I was right about the AC/DC thing.

If all of these steps fail there is only one last hope in order to save someone from the emo plague..


Leave them in the woods for 4 days without food, water and shelter


The growing Emo population is a crisis we cannot ignore. We must confront the emos and their culture and destroy it before is takes over America from the inside out.

Oh wow finally the punchline to this entire article! While I admit it is pretty funny, I didn't follow it up with an explanation of why this would help them or what to do next in their rehabilitation process. For instance, do they go to Emo Rehab? and what if it doesn't work? Do you bring them to Siberia and leave them to survive on their own for a month with nothing but a mallet and years supply of frozen tv dinners? I need answers man! Either way, I think it's safe to say that although I was a talented writer for my age, I obviously had a large amount of room to grow. Now obviously I have improved my skills, as I am smarter, stronger, faster and more handsome than I ever was back then.

Here's your reward for sitting through all that garbage